i am reliving my post-dental appointment stress all over again. i hate it. they don’t even ask to sedate me, and if they do they only bring me pain and a consistent numbness, an apathy, both physically and in my brain. as a result, i am unable to both speak and function normally for at least one or two hours after the whatever it is they do. it still hurts.

apathy seems like a pasttime to me nowadays. or, ah, it’s not true apathy. i can still feel, it’s just that there is no use in feeling. it feels useless. the, uh, feeling. not of everything, but with people. i am completely able to “feel” people, yet with time it becomes a process of analyzing everything. i try to figure out people far too often, and the only people i don’t care to figure out are my best friends. i don’t really know that much about them. i don’t feel like i have to. the kind of mental exploration i’m talking about comes naturally with them. they are. everyone else is in the future, a potential friend, a potential lover, a potential enemy. i’ve lost my flow through life, and i’m unable to “feel” people. i only feel their actions, their repercussions, their ripples. consistence, no details. a fluid.

and even because of this i feel happy. universally. so i guess it might not be apathy, it might be boredom, and powerful at that. consuming. i need more people. i pick my friends carefully, so i know they’re real. genuine. something i find myself unable to be.

but i guess everyone else does, as well.