one year later
graph 1.a: you can tell from my eyes that i spend little time sleeping.
it's been a while since i last posted here, i suppose it's nearly a year if not in fact over a year.
i did go to the army. it wasn't very fun at all. now i'm "studying" history (up all night, sleep all day)
i should perhaps clarify something though,
i didn't sign up for it by my own free will. in part, i did, but that was because i saw nothing meaningful in the future and i was fed up and angry at the people around me. i miss them right now as i find myself nearly alone in a big city with nearly no acquaintances at all and i'm sure i'll miss them in the future, but i'll explain that later.
the norwegian army drafts all males at the age of nineteen, dodging the draft is easy but i guess i felt like i needed some authority to control me as i felt i was spiraling out of control or something clichè of the sort. i felt like i needed something to devote myself to, and running around in dark forests chasing imaginary enemies with guns seemed like the right thing to do. it was very, very cold. northern norway is above the arctic circle, so i quickly once again felt like i had absolutely fucked up my life once more. things were looking grim, i thought about talking to the army psychologist and make some stuff up about breaking down, asthma, anything. i called my father and he said he understood how horrible i felt, but told me to push through. the other soldiers probably had problems of their own, the recruit period wasn't easy. there was comraderie and friendship that i guess is kind of like what you see in movies, not that we were shot at or anything but we basically spent a year freezing out asses off. i met some good friends. i didn't excel in anything at all, and i spent most of my free time on my laptop talking to people at home. in the weekends we got drunk, in the kind of primal macho-fueled endorphine do-dumb-shit way, that was a good time. i'm not a very strong or aggressive person, i can't pump iron or do stuff like that, but i really enjoyed the occasional bar fight or armwrestling or anything like that. i guess it's kind of healthy in a way. to be flawed and to be human.
when i was home on leave all my friends had moved to either study or go to the army except one, who i then realized was my best friend. he lived at home because he couldn't really handle living in oslo, which i understand because there are too many people and too much noise. he had tried but it never really worked out, i suppose. so we hung out alot, he had a car and would come pick me up and we'd try to find parties to crash or fail to and just get drunk and talk about how things were better before. things seem to always get better in the past the older you are. does that make sense?
after the army i went back home for about a month. it was great. all i did was stay at home, lie in the bed for long stretches and think about how great things were. occasionally i'd call my friend and we'd get wasted. some of my other friends were also home and i'd hang out with them too.
then i thought i'd start studying, move to a huge new city and meet new and interesting people. i've moved here now and i can't seem to talk to anyone. the people i go to lectures with i have nothing in common with and it's hard just talking to someone and ask them if they'll be your friend. all my other friends i've met while drunk, things are easier that way. we'd talk about politics or philosophy or talk shit behind someone else's back and then we'd call each other the next day and hang out. here i have noone to talk to and noone to talk shit about, my prime strategy has been to go out on the weekends by myself but it's hard to approach people in bars and nightclubs without them thinking you're hitting on them if they're a girl or trying to woo you in a gay drunk stupor if they're men. it's awkward as fuck.
so i stay inside, make music on a 4-track cassette recorder and think about how things will be better next year, though i have no plans and i know from what i've learned that it'll most likely suck. (you can check some of that out on lowmoralfiber.com)
sorry for being away for so long
i'll start writing again, maybe i'll learn some new things about myself in the future.