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Levi Ong (M, 32)
Quezon City, PH
Immortal since Dec 25, 2007
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    From levi88
    Dealing with Paradoxes #1
    Now playing SpaceCollective
    Where forward thinking terrestrials share ideas and information about the state of the species, their planet and the universe, living the lives of science fiction. Introduction
    Featuring Powers of Ten by Charles and Ray Eames, based on an idea by Kees Boeke.
    From levi88's personal cargo

    The End of the World
    Note: The following is fiction. Also, I poke fun at various religious views and if that offends you, then you have been duly warned.
    Edit: I forgot to mention: I will not stand for stupid, baseless and unfounded inflammatory comments. Please, if you're going to criticize my work and/or question my quality as a member, please do so in a formal, constructive, and sincere manner.
    Edit^2: A public apology to orizyn, whose compliment i misunderstood. Sorry. >.< Though, to the rest of y'alls, the above still stands, in case any ted haggards frequent spacecollective.


    The End of the World

    God sat on his Throne reading the month's issue of reader's digest and grunted. The bastards had cut the jokes portions of the book-zine on the account of the readers' tendency to read just the jokes and skip the rest of the serious material. It apparently made sense to them that cutting out the jokes will force the readers to read that oprish [1] stuff.

    Eh, he thought. I'm almost done anyway.

    _____

    It was the end of the world. Everyone religious (except the Gleeks) were both panicked and smug at the same time. The atheists and scientists just panicked.

    The T'mornikans, those who believed that T'mornik, the supposed son of god, was both man and... god, and that both halves were not really halves but actually whole, which logically would mean that the total was 200%, but that doesn't matter anyway, because only the Gleeks did math, knelt in their churches to pray. Some lashed themselves with whips made of fine black leather and wore fake spiked collars and various sorts of black leather garments, supposedly to atone for their sins, while others felt it better to nail themselves to giant triangles just as was done to T'mornik. They wailed and sobbed for the destruction that was to come, but secretly they waited in anticipation for the coming of the anti-T'mornik, which would prove conclusively that they were Right, and that only they would be saved (even if god loved everyone, just not the fags and scientists) while everyone else (the aforementioned fags, scientists and additionally, anyone who didn't follow the T'mornikans, especially those Kelyak bastards) burned in Hell.

    The Kelyak, followers of the sacred prophet Mamad, were at that very moment, sneaking around, surrounding the individual churches of the T'mornikans. They believed that if they killed those T'mornikan bastards, the apocalypse wouldn't be averted, but at least they'd all go to heaven and be given 72 big-breasted[2] virgins (sex unspecified) when the shit hit the fan.

    Those who accede to the Church of T'mornik (Not to be confused with the T'mornikans), which differs from the T'mornikans in that they believe that T'mornik wasn't really the son of god but was just a really swell guy who deserved to be followed, sat peacefully, unlike the T'mornikans, who were now whipping each other and shouting "you bad boy", in their very stylish churches. These churches had a very spiky, vertical appearance to them, which everyone noted had similarities to the designs of space rockets. The truth was that every church was indeed a spacecraft designed to launch the moment the world ended.

    The Gleeks were the only ones who didn't fear. According to their holy scripture, there have already been several preceding apocalypses, all of which have been brought about by god(s) and man's stupidity. By this time, however, a lot of belief in god(s) have waned, which in turn diminished their power, thereby preventing the apocalypse. This very relieving fact was preached by the Gleek priests, all of which believed in the power of non-belief. So they went about their daily lives, not-believing in the worst.

    Everyone else gave up on life, and listened to emo songs.

    _____

    God rummaged through the reading material within reach, looking for something even remotely interesting.

    _____

    Enrico sat on the pew with his relatives in a Church of T'mornik (not to be confused with a T'mornikan church), waiting for the building to lift off into space. Looking around, he saw other anxious people waiting for something - anything to happen. The fact was that the concrete and steel-rebar building didn't seem like it was going to launch anytime soon. He had watched enough movies to know that there had to be some really dramatic pre-launch sequence for any spacecraft followed by a countdown.

    He was already counting down well on the way to negative 52 when the priest went up to the podium.

    "Umm." Started the priest. "As you all may have noticed, we are not launching."

    The priest paused and waited for the mumbling to die down.

    "It will take a bit more time to fully read the manuals, but rest assured, we'll figure it out in time." There was a note of uncertainty in the last few syllables of his speech.

    _____

    In the meantime, the Kelyak, on their holy war, were getting ever closer to the T'mornikan churches (not to be confused with a Church of T'mornik).

    _____

    God hummed a lively tune while reading Time magazine. (Now that's funny.)

    _____

    The Kelyak made a quick prayer to Val'allah, and got themselves ready to storm the heathen church to kill the heathens (which were, by now, mostly walking on all fours, saying "i've been a bad boy")

    _____

    The priest of the Church of T'mornik (Not to be confused with the T'mornikans) fretted. For years he had devoutly followed the tenets laid down by Felix Manlow, the legendary founder who, inspired by the Holy Specter, denounced a large quantity of T'mornikan doctrine, and built a new religion based on his philosophies and personal beliefs. Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to stake the fate of one's soul on the teachings and thoughts of a single person. He shook the thought off, and continued to fret. For years he had been a faithful follower of a religion that might just be proven false just because he couldn't find a way to make this blasted thing blast off.

    He skimmed through the Holy Manual, which, when referring to the actual launching sequence, said something about throwing people out of the window. There had to be a symbolic meaning to this. It just didn't make sense to throw out the very people you want to save.

    Before he could continue his thoughts, the Kelyak Yeehawdis[3] attacked the church (apparently they did confuse it with the T'mornikan church), with AK-47's blazing, and accidentally shot a man, causing him to fall out the window.

    There was a low rumble.

    "Where are the whips?" Shouted the Yeehawdi commander. "Where is the leather?"

    "What are you talking about?" said the priest, calmly.

    "There should be whips!" The Kelyak man thought for a moment, and said: "Is this a T'mornikan church?"

    "Oh, no, no. This is a church of the Church of T'mornik. People tend to confuse us with them."

    "Oh. Sorry then. We'll be on our way."

    At this point, the rumbling was so strong that instead of stepping out, the Yeehawdis fell out. And then the rumbling got even stronger.

    The priest stared at the ancient texts slack-jawed, and came to the conclusion that defenestration is inescapable. It actually worked. With that, he commanded his people to throw themselves out the window. And when they mindlessly followed, sure enough, the thrust generated by the steady stream of people jumping off windows allowed the church to lift off.

    _____

    Far below, the Kelyak Yeehawdis got up, dusted their pants, fixed their turbans, and looked up at the flying church, which was spewing a steady stream of people. They shrugged, and attacked the T'mornikans next door, who were by now screaming in "pain" from the whips and lashes, and wedgies from the leather thongs.

    _____

    And as the empty Church of T'mornik flew off into space, the Kelyak Yeehawdis finished off the last of the T'mornikans, the scientists and atheists panicked in the background, the Gleeks went about their business,

    God wiped his ass, flushed the toilet, and the world ended.




    [1] Adj. Refers to the similarity with Oprah.
    [2] Can also mean "Barrel Chested", if taken in the context of males.
    [3] Holy warriors that fight for a Yeehawd, a holy war.

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    paulteagan     Tue, Jan 15, 2008  Permanent link
    heheh. that was fun.
     
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